He says he loves you, but he isn’t ready for “The Full Monty” of commitment. We have all subscribed briefly, or long term, to the fantasy of Mr. Hunkalicious making us feel like there is a real commitment. This is one of the most common feelings women experience, and lose sleep over, during a dating relationship. It is really heart-breaking to see a woman give so much and allow a man to soak up all of their nurturing loyalty only to be disappointed. Imagine you have been in a relationship for a long time, you have met his family, you have bonded with his pet and children (and likewise he with yours). You go on special and wonderful trips together. You spend quality times with each other during the holidays. Before long, you take these events to signify something deep and meaningful that will, in your mind, probably lead down the path to marriage. You want to bring up the topic of MARRIAGE (a four letter word in man speak), but when you do — he gets squirmy. You think you are on the right track, but then he tells you he’s just “not ready” or tells you that he is not sure you are “the one.” This can feel like complete rejection, shock, or letdown, especially when you have thought the relationship was heading towards a future of true commitment.
Men and women are wired so differently, one wonders if God was joking to make us so completely different, and then expect us to live together. It is an ongoing journey requiring a lot of faith, patience and selflessness. The single life can appear flaky, indecisive, and emotionally wrenching with an extremely high turnover rate. It is important to watch your heart from being scarred after subscribing to the fantasy of “I’ll commit soon” episode. Sometimes a man can string you along, knowing full well he has zero intention of ever marrying you. He can really feel for you, care deeply and even hope that with time, he will want to marry you. Either way, it hurts getting all hung up over a man. Look at the cues, and take the shades off, so you can see clearly. He wants to keep his options open just “in case” there might be something around the corner that is even better. He is not ready for commitment, and he may be the type that will never be ready.
Men think totally different about dating vs. commitment than women do. What feels like a “relationship” to a woman (with all the connection and emotional closeness and time spent together) sometimes just feels like “dating” or “hanging out” to a man. He is not necessarily closer to marriage at date 15, or date 350. He might just want to be “comfortable” knowing you are there taking care of his needs. He might even be needy to have someone because he does not like to be alone or does not want to have to serial date. He might just want the coziness of a monogamous relationship that adds stability to his life. I have heard so many guys say that stayed with someone because it was comfortable, but there were never any intentions of marriage. Until he feels in his gut that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and that he needs to do something about it, he is just enjoying your company and your every essence of love that flows towards him. In fact, if a man had his way, his entire relationship with you would be just that, enjoying your wonderful loving company and having a great time. He’s got a sweet deal. He gets to call you whenever he wants, be intimate with you, keep you all to himself, call you his “girlfriend” even though he may keep an eye out for others, flirting, or even spending time with other women (Platonic and friendly?). He acts completely entitled to your time, energy and love. What do you get? What is the benefit of having a “boyfriend” and calling yourself his “girlfriend”? Sure, you get the same benefits. You get to sleep with him, you get to cry on his shoulder when you are upset or hurt (if he’s that kind of caring and attentive man), and you have a steady date for the weekend and do not have to sit alone. You don’t have to worry about your social life, especially if he is a planner with fun activities always available. These are wonderful benefits, but do they get you any closer to a real long-term “commitment?” The kind where someone is there when there are difficulties, or you have a problem of some kind and need help.
Love is a verb that requires actions. Just because a woman has a man in her life doesn’t mean that he is giving her what she deserves. Too many women settle for what they have instead of what they deserve out of fear. They support their man with fierce loyalty which may not be returned as he keeps you emotionally at an arm’s length. At some point, if he really loves you, a man will focus on making an attempt to be that person you need him to be. A man will choose to rise to the occasion to pursue, protect and claim a woman with pride as an absolute keeper for himself. Are you the love of his life or just the lay over lover? There is a time when a man needs to make a choice.
