Cheeseburgers in Paradise?

Dating is a lot like looking for a cheeseburger in Whole Foods. On the surface everything looks nice and delicious. Yet when you bite into your Whole Foods cheeseburger, you find that you’re eating some pasty tofu-esque excuse for a meal. The cheese is actually made of xantham gum, non-gmo expeller pressed canola oil, arrowroot, and tapioca. Your so-called “burger,” is actually just a nice spherical hunk of inactive yeast, onion powder, and pea protein. There is quite a bit of false advertising in the single scene. Whether you are in a city like Atlanta, where there are six women to every one man, or Los Angeles where “exceptionally thin and physically perfect” are prerequisites, balance can sometimes be hard to find. Our own collaborating psychologist for “Love, Sex and Deception” talks about her own experience in the LA dating scene and how she found good karma:

The dating scene in LA is similar in that, on the surface everything seems it would be better. There are massive quantities of shiny good looking people — a sea of pretty fish swimming around for you to reel in your pick at any moment. Yet, when you dig in and try to experience the heartiness that one hopes a relationship provides, you find there’s nothing underneath the surface. This was my experience while dating in LA. I began to believe that the person I was looking for wasn’t going to be found amongst the west coast gold rush. Yet, what I failed to realize was that in order to find my other half I needed to become a whole person myself (or at least more complete than I was at the time). I mean what complete/self-aware person looks for a cheeseburger in Whole Foods anyway?

So “how does one become whole and find their other half,” you ask? Simple. You let go of the idea you will ever find your other half. Yep, that’s right-you lose the idea of ever finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. My epiphany came to me one night during a Kabbalah lecture where our teacher said “that which you cannot let go of-you will never have.” At that moment, I realized that I could not just let go. I could not lose hope. I couldn’t part with the idea that I would never find “the one.” I couldn’t cope with the thought of growing old alone. Yet everything I was doing wasn’t working. JDate (shiksas allowed), Match.com, Plentyoffish, you name it-I tried it. I did “happy hours” with girlfriends, whilst both of us simultaneously scanned the room for potentials, never really experiencing a “Happy” minute, much less an hour. I hand-picked weekend parties I would attend based on what male demographic would be present. I reasoned that if I stopped for a minute I might miss meeting “the one.” I was THIRTY YEARS OLD FOR GOD’S SAKE! Time was ticking and I finally hit the wall. Whether it was sheer frustration or exhaustion I figuratively just threw my hands up in the air at the single scene.

I could not get my head around how I could accomplish every other thing I wanted to accomplish in my life, but a relationship. Usually, if I wanted to meet a goal-no sweat, weight-got it, money-no problem, a certain job-no big deal. Yet, when it came to relationships department, I sucked…and like all things I suck at-I quit. There was freedom in quitting – in letting go. It opened my mind up to the question of “now what?” If I suck at relationships, what does my life look like as a swinging single? Yes, I just said “swinging single,” – I think I just baby puked! No longer was Prince Charming going to sweep me off my Hollywood 850 sq ft apartment. I was going to have to do it. The first thing I realized-I probably strategically placed myself there because I subconsciously thought this was where my target audience (successful, ambitious males between the ages of 30-39) habituated. The next thing I realized was that I wanted to live by the beach. I visualized walking the beach every morning, coffee in one hand, and a dog leash in the other. I could create a family all by myself. That felt empowering, and relaxing. I felt free…deep breath…exhale. So that’s what I did. I said goodbye to my roommates began searching for an apartment for one in Manhattan Beach and haven’t looked back. When you least expect it, he shows up. I used to roll my eyes far back in my head whenever I heard some chick say that. There is something to letting go that finally brings whatever that is into your life. I had to become a complete person, a hearty person, a non-GMO-processed-tapioca person to find my other cheeseburger.

Dr. Colleen Long
Author of Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E.